October 13, 2000

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

He says he hates all men. Should I still try to fix him up?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Rats. I've committed a social error, and was called on it by the girlfriend, so I should confess and let you learn from my mistake.

I bounded home last night and said, “Kaley's going to come over and make the computer work again! Whoo-hoo! I told her that I'd make her dinner, or take her out, or whatever, but if there was a god, she would have mercy and come over and help me."

(An aside: What do I do during many of the daylight hours? Make people's computers connect to the Internet. What have I not been able to

Dear Big Tipper,

I work with a man who is single, and looking for someone to date. But the other day when I mentioned a friend that I thought he'd like to meet, he said that he hates all men and he's never dating

BIG TIPS

do for the past three months? Make my geezer of a clone do so. Who is Kaley, besides an old and valued friend? My boss. What could be more humiliating than exposing my ignorance and neediness in this fashion? Not much.)

Upon being asked when the miraculous laying-on of hands would occur, I told my girlfriend that I'd said, “Are you free Thursday night?" When Kaley said she was, I threw myself on her mercy.

At this, my girlfriend was appalled. "You should never ask if someone's free before you ask for a favor. It's setting her up. She might have thought you just wanted to hang out, and now she's trapped."

Dag. I'd been so pleased with the outcome of the begging, I'd never stopped to think if I'd been rude. I have been known to be a little pushy, but I always imagine that if someone wants to say no, she will. I guess that's not the most gracious way to do business.

The next day I told Kaley that I regretted squeezing her for the favor, but that I did want to have dinner, so we should do that, and she shouldn't feel obligated to massage my silicon. She said not to worry, it was no problem to come over and help

me out.

It wasn't a big deal at all, but it's weird. I pat myself on the back for being a reasonable communicator, and "putting my needs out there,” and being pretty considerate, but it's still very easy for me to get an idea in my head and steamroll someone into helping me, if that's part of my plan. When you're organized, it's easy to let the clarity of your vision obscure other people's priorities.

I wish I could say "Lesson learned," but it's hard to unlearn bossiness.

I've been known to tell my 27-yearold brother to vacuum if I'm visiting my parents' house and it's messy. Then again, he's been known to get up and do it. How am I supposed to learn? Fortunately, and to his benefit (and to that of all my other victims), I'm a benevolent despot.

again.

I know that's not true, but he's had so many bad dates and awful breakups it seems like he'll never be able to face a new person with a hopeful attitude. I know if he could be open to this friend, they could have a nice date, even if it didn't turn into a relationship.

Do you think I should continue to encourage him? Do you think he needs tough love? I don't think he really wants to stay single, and I'm sure he misses sex. And my friend is very handsome and sweet, and up for a fling or something serious, depending on how they click. What do you think?

Dear Bitter/Sweet,

Find Love for Him or Leave Him Be?

I don't know if dogs really can smell fear, but single people in the dating pool sure can. And the scent of anger can do the same job. There's nothing like the radiating lines of smoldering rage to leave an otherwise cutie-pie standing alone next to the clam dip.

Your work pal has had a stony row to hoe, but if he isn't really insane with anger, and is just being negative out of fear of disappointment, you may need to shake him. Yeah, it's technically a lie, but I'm a big believer in acting "as if."

If he actually wants to meet someone, he's going to need to keep at it, which can suck (in a bad way). But he already has an advantage: he has a prescreened, sexfriendly, handsome guy who's open to different sorts of possibilities. It doesn't get much closer to a sure thing than that. He just needs to maintain a civil attitude, and make his body relax, and his face smile, and his mouth not say things like "I hate all men."

A lot of times making your body relax and taking it somewhere nice in pleasant company can actually make it feel better. Sometimes a nice date or a little action can make you feel a little closer to your old attractive self, you know? You might want to warn the other guy that your pal is a peach, but a little stressed out, and to cut him some slack.

You're nice to suggest a fix-up. The world needs more yentas. And of course, everyone needs a little tough love. They should just always remember their safe-word. ✓

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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